almost five

In 6 days it will be five years since my Lila made her entrance into this world. To say it's been a journey, not just for her but for Curt and I would be an understatement. She has brought out the best in me and at times the worst in me. There's nothing like motherhood to open your eyes wide to your faults, as well as your best qualities. But I've also found reserves of love, strength and resilience I never knew or even imagined existed within me.

Getting to know this little person and to see her learn and grow has been mind-blowing. Every year has brought with it its own milestones and challenges, but four has been an especially brilliant age. My big girl, at four (almost five), is brave, curious, creative and smart. We have our daily ups and downs but I feel like we understand each other now better than we have ever done. It seems that she has opened up her heart, that for a long time has been exclusively devoted to her Daddy on whom she bestows the very fiercest adoration. Now I get my share of the tightest hugs too, and the whispered secrets and declarations of love to the moon and back. And I can't deny it feels pretty great. My favorite moments of the day are when we lie beside each other with her head resting on my shoulder while I read aloud a chapter of her book before her bedtime. Together we get lost in the world of Laura and Mary Ingalls and The Little House in the Big Woods. 

I have a feeling that five will be even better. I honestly think this will be the case every with every year, and I'm so excited to see the girl she grows into. As a very wise person once said, "The days are long but the years are short". I'm soaking up every second, and holding the sweet memories close. 

being // well

I've been thinking a lot lately about certain aspects of life. It's not a shiny or new concept, nor is it particularly exciting or flashy but matters of health, body, mind and soul have become a focus in the past few months. Wellbeing... and being, well. Allowing yourself to become the best version of you that you possibly can be. I don't think it's just me, I feel like there's something in the air, as though a lot of us are starting to be more mindful of the kind of lifestyle we lead and its effects on ourselves. While once upon a time I was consumed with living life to the full, having a good time and to hell with the consequences, I suppose I've just grown up. It's not that I don't want to have a good time anymore, its just that my definition of a good time has changed slightly.

And the past few years of raising babies have taken their toll. Interrupted sleep, exhaustion brought on from a hectic daily schedule and stressing about whether they are eating well enough is nothing unusual and all par for the course when parenting young children, but it doesn't really lend itself to actually thinking about taking good care of yourself. I actually found it hard to write this down, there is a lot of "I" and "my" in this blog post and it feels almost selfish to say it but I suppose I just took a backseat in my own life for a while. But now I'm starting to realise that I can't be the best person I want to be for my family unless I actually look out for and take better care of myself.

So a few months ago I decided to make some changes. Firstly in the way we all eat; instead of just concentrating all my attentions on what the kids consume. Our diet wasn't terrible by any means but I realised I wanted to make more meals from scratch, cutting out the processed wherever possible, eating simple, fresh foods, more wholegrains and less sugar. Also in looking after my body and mind. I have no desire to be a gym bunny or a hard core runner but I have always been drawn to yoga and after periods of doing it intermittently for years I've finally committed to making the time for one class every week and I love the way it makes me feel stronger and calms my mind. I've rediscovered my my put-on-hold passions of surfing and painting and discovered new ones like nurturing a garden and growing things. 

I now know what else is important to me, close family ties and friendships and making a comfortable home, a haven. One that reflects us and our lives and a place where my family and friends feel at peace and like they want to stay. Reading and writing. Being outdoors, experiencing the seasons. Nurturing a love of books, an imaginative mind and an appreciation or beauty, art and nature in my children. I feel like everything is just starting to add up, as though I'm finally figuring out who I am. A lot happened in my twenties; l was many different things and travelled a lot of paths but now I'm on the brink of my 30th year it's all slotting into place. I realised that almost all the posts I've written about here so far this year have detailed this journey of sorts, slowly reclaiming my self again and finding my way as a mother and as my own person too. I know I'm never going to have all the answers, but right now life feels good.

Image 1 //  Image 2- source unknown- via pinterest // Image 3

sunsets and things on my mind

When we moved here, it didn't cross my mind that living by the ocean would mean out of this world sunsets. And now it is darker every morning before we wake so I can witness them; sunrises too. A full spectrum of shades from deep purple, inky blues, to pale coral, dusky pink and intense fiery orange but no two are ever the same. All this is played out in the same little expanse of sky above our garden fence (in the morning) and across the street above the rooftops (at twilight). For the most part I've now stopped reaching for my phone and trying to capture them, partly because they never, ever look as good on a screen and also because as soon as you start snapping and considering composition and different angles, the perfect beauty of the moment is already lost. A sunset is for drinking in, for feeling glad to be alive.

If this all sounds incredibly gushing and twee then it's probably because for the past few months I've been re-reading the entire series of Anne of Green Gables books. It's an escape, my guilty pleasure at the end of the day which instantly transports me back to my girlhood days and long hours during the Summer holidays spent curled up in a quiet spot devouring pages upon pages of wholesome goodness. There's nothing like Anne's genuine delight in and observations of the beauty of nature and the world around her to make you really stop and take notice. It's a lesson in gladness if nothing else.

So I've been reading, and I suppose being busy with the business of enjoying my family and friends and everyday life. Sorry for the silence here but blogging about not blogging is just deathly dull and posting just for the sake of it even worse. My mind has also been busy thinking, mulling over dreams for the future and making plans. Especially savouring every second spent with my babies as it has hit me harder than ever that next year Lila will start primary school and before I know it they'll be 18 and waving goodbye to me as they embark off on their own life adventures. I feel like I've been saying this to everyone I know lately but I genuinely can't believe how quickly this year is flying by already. As does every year past the age of about 20 but this is just getting alarming.

Fighting the urge to panic as the days and weeks pass by at lightening speed, I'm borrowing some wise words from the irrepressible Anne, "I believe that the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or exciting or wonderful happens but just those that bring little pleasures following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string". It may only be children's literature but I think this beloved heroine just summed up the secret to happiness that so many spend a lifetime searching for.

the sea for me

Last weekend Curt bought me a long board and I got back in the water to surf for the first time in almost five years. It's hard for me to put into words how good it felt. How I could've ever left it so long. I only caught a few small waves and it will take me a while and a lot of practice to ride with anything resembling grace but I can't think of anything better than the journey to that point. It seems crazy to think that when I still lived in England I would drive for hours on end to get to the coast and that for the past couple of years we've been living almost right on the water and it's taken until now.

I suppose the all consuming nature of growing and raising little people just completely took over and when I was pregnant with Rose I sold my neglected board as we needed some extra money. I've long admired the elegance of long boarders, that dance along the board and the innate connection with and respect for the water beneath them. This time around I instinctively knew this was the way I wanted to go. A shredder I am not and never will be. Right now I'm so thankful for the chance- the board and the time- I've been handed and a husband who just knew it was exactly what I needed to do. Best of all has got to be that feeling of getting back a little but crucial piece of yourself that was lost, or at the very least well and truly buried.

Below is a short vide clip showing the beauty of long boarding at its very best, featuring renowned surfer Belinda Baggs and shot by Macauley Rae.





The top images are by surf film maker and photographer Nathan Oldfield. His blog Look and Sea is a great read for anyone with an affinity for waves and the ocean. His latest film, The Heart and the Sea, is definitely worth watching and beautifully explores the joy that lies at the very centre of a surfing life: family, friends and a shared intimacy with the sea. It premiered here in Torquay last month and Curt and I were lucky enough to get the chance to go and see it. Highly recommended.

the first veggie box

This is the year I decided it was time to get it together when it comes to the food we eat and to stop making the same old randomly put together meals, probably featuring sausages and fish fingers a little too often, usually conceived of fifteen minutes before the childrens dinner time. To start actually using some of the stack of cookery books I own, to plan more in advance and cook good, simple food. I wanted to start buying less but better quality ingredients and making more conscious buying choices which support local producers when possible. Another key factor was that I was also pretty sick of the below average fruit and veg from the supermarket which was often starting to go bad before I'd even got it in through the door.

So in addition our very young vegetable patch in the garden, I also signed us up for an organic box scheme with a newly launched local co-operative not long after we moved here. After a few months of patiently sitting it out on the waiting list, they finally had a space for us to join. This Thursday, our very first weekly box of organic vegetables and fruit was delivered to our doorstep. Rose was so excited she actually tried to climb inside the cardboard box with it all.

We made a beeline for the juicy plums and oranges, oohed and ahhed over the lovely array of vegtables and pondered over the remaining few ("....Erm, so what exactly is that then?"). Thanks to google, they have now been identified as beetroots. Slightly embarrassing to admit when I grew up in the countryside, on a farm no less. It would seem I didn't pay much attention to things of little interest to me at the time, including vegetables. I will also come clean that I had to watch a video on you tube about how to prepare a leek (with Lila peering over my shoulder adding helpful observations along the lines of "Mummy, why aren't you chopping yours as fast as that lady?"). It's all a learning curve though and the resulting leek and bacon risotto topped with a poached egg was worth the effort and the large pile of washing up. I have no accompanying picture because as a general rule, I would rather eat my food as soon as possible than stand around photographing it. The kids finished every bite without even the mention of a post-dinner biscuit bribe, so that can go down as the first veggie box success story.

What shows up in the box every week will be completely different, depending on the season and what is in abundance, and the idea is that this will force me to be more creative and venture away from the old favorites on permanent, boring rotation. No doubt there will be a few surprises and a fair amount of what arrives may have never made it into my shopping trolley before. I know that some days it's likely to all feel a bit overwhelming but it will be Autumn here soon and so when all other inspiration fails then I can just throw it all in a big pan to make soup and at the very least it should keep us warm.

life on the surf coast

There's nothing like living by the ocean to make you feel alive. One of my favourite things to do is to head down to the beach when Curt gets home from work and take a walk together as a family, feeling the sand underfoot, the wind blowing our hair and salt on our lips. Often Curt surfs while we play on the beach and watch, or if the waves are smaller he takes Lila out on her little board. When it's flat then we dig or build palaces and collect shells. I feel so lucky to be able to do this and give the girls an appreciation and respect for the water and nature.

We've been even more lucky for the past couple of weeks as my parents have been visiting from England, so we've been able to share with them all that we love about living here. Today we had to say goodbye until we see them again in a year. Until then I will just have to treasure all the memories we made and throw myself back into daily life and working on our home and garden.

Next week the new term starts and Lila will begin kindergarten. I will begin painting again. My new easel, my best Christmas gift, has been sitting patiently waiting for me to find the time to pick up my brushes again and create just for the love of it. I also have a new Etsy shop waiting to be filled with images and listings of all my necklaces so I will be keeping busy to help to ease the emptiness and the inevitable void that is left behind after the farewells have been said and the aeroplane has departed.

Photos taken by Curt.

things i want my children to know

My beautiful girls...

Never stop dreaming. If you allow yourself to dream you will find out what your heart truly desires, your passions in life and you can begin to carve your path. And whatever you dream of, it is all possible. If you long for it then do everything you can to get there and make it happen. We will do all we can to help you. For of course it's not only about the dreaming but the doing. Don't be afraid of failing, pick yourself up, learn from the experience and try again.

Read books; to escape, inspire and broaden your horizons. Travel, not only to find yourself but to find out about the world. Carry on learning and be curious. Talk to people, from all walks of life. Make a connection because everyone has a story and often people come into your life for a reason, whatever that may be.

Choose to wake up in the morning and have a good day. Don't get hung up on the small stuff, take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Know the power of positive thinking. Believe in yourself and your goals and try not to let what other people think get in the way. Trust your instincts. Stay true to yourself and be yourself and people will respect and love you for it.

Don't dwell on the past too much or wish away the present, even if it's a place you'd rather not be. There is something to be learnt and taken from even the most shadowy moments. And broken hearts do heal, eventually. Live in the moment. The simplest things bring the biggest joy and shared experiences are usually more valuable than material possessions so breathe and take it all in. Hold you family and true friends close to you. Be grateful. Smile often. Be kind and treat others as you want to be treated.

Most importantly, know that I love you. More than anything, always. Whatever happens, no matter the choices you make or how ever many miles away I am, if it all falls down around your ears, I will be here to pick up the pieces. Whatever you do, wherever you go I will be by your side and I believe in you.

Your Mama xxx