reality and online illusions

I've been thinking about this online space of mine. What it is, what it has been and where it might be going. I first decided to start a blog when I was pregnant with Lila; my first baby, almost six years ago. Back then I don't think blogging was a particularly well known concept and certainly anyone that did have one never could've predicted how the phenomenon would have blown up in recent years. For my part, I simply wanted a creative outlet and a place to write; a journal of sorts. Also somewhere to record and share memories and thoughts on this new adventure of motherhood I was about to embark on. I wanted to create something that my children could read back through when they were grown. In the years since then I've also blogged about my various creative endeavours, spaces, people and things that have inspired me. When we moved overseas it became a great way of recording what we were up to on the other side of the world to share with family and friends back home. I've not really done much at all to promote it and have never had aspirations of garnering a huge readership or making money from it with advertising or sponsored posts. At times I've updated it frequently but there have also been months of silence when life has got busy or all my energy and attention has been taken up elsewhere.

I like the fact I'm not pressured to write daily or even weekly, resorting to just churning out meaningless posts. Instead I wait until inspiration strikes and get something down that is actually real and important to me. I'm also not sure I would feel comfortable with encouraging people to buy products we couldn't afford and aspire to a type of lifestyle we don't really live and could never maintain. It's always been a more personal endeavour than that. However I do realise that the things we choose to share online don't always paint the most realistic picture. I think most of us are aware that everyone is generally trying to put forward the best possible version of their own lives (not just in terms of blogging, in every kind of social media). While I've always done my best to keep this a positive place as I am generally a pretty optimistic, glass-half-full person, I would never want anyone to be under the impression we live anything even vaguely resembling a picture-perfect existence.

We don't have a lot of money, drive a big or fancy car and certainly don't have a polished house full of super expensive possessions. I do hope we live in a home which may be a little shabby but feels comfortable, welcoming and full of love. My kids wear hand-me-downs and we don't buy new things very often. If we have made a choice to have something or go somewhere significant it will have been saved for or at the sacrifice of something else. We don't eat out or go on holidays or expensive day trips much at all but we try to make the most of where we live and what it has to offer throughout the year and we feel happy and grateful for what we have. I think often about our priorities and family values and what really matters in life. One thing that springs to mind is that when you live in a relatively small space with three other people (two of them small and like all children, prone to creating a whirlwind of chaos) I'd say it's fairly crucial that your happiness doesn't hinge on being able to maintain a clean and tidy house resembling a spread in an interiors magazine all of the time.

Some of the very well known family and lifestyle blogs have become hugely effective money generators for their creators but I know for many people they have sadly lost any sense of honesty or authenticity they may have once had, simply pushing products and an illusion of a perfectly curated life. I love finding online spaces that inspire me and feel real but I'm not a fan of the pressure others create to buy this, that and everything, to have and do it all. These seem to breed envy and insecurity, leaving a lot of readers feeling lacking in their own lives and themselves as people. Here's to writing from the heart and knowing that we are most likely not the only people out there with a pitifully empty fridge that could definitely do with a clean and no idea what to cook for dinner tonight (or maybe that's just me!)

almost five

In 6 days it will be five years since my Lila made her entrance into this world. To say it's been a journey, not just for her but for Curt and I would be an understatement. She has brought out the best in me and at times the worst in me. There's nothing like motherhood to open your eyes wide to your faults, as well as your best qualities. But I've also found reserves of love, strength and resilience I never knew or even imagined existed within me.

Getting to know this little person and to see her learn and grow has been mind-blowing. Every year has brought with it its own milestones and challenges, but four has been an especially brilliant age. My big girl, at four (almost five), is brave, curious, creative and smart. We have our daily ups and downs but I feel like we understand each other now better than we have ever done. It seems that she has opened up her heart, that for a long time has been exclusively devoted to her Daddy on whom she bestows the very fiercest adoration. Now I get my share of the tightest hugs too, and the whispered secrets and declarations of love to the moon and back. And I can't deny it feels pretty great. My favorite moments of the day are when we lie beside each other with her head resting on my shoulder while I read aloud a chapter of her book before her bedtime. Together we get lost in the world of Laura and Mary Ingalls and The Little House in the Big Woods. 

I have a feeling that five will be even better. I honestly think this will be the case every with every year, and I'm so excited to see the girl she grows into. As a very wise person once said, "The days are long but the years are short". I'm soaking up every second, and holding the sweet memories close. 

being // well

I've been thinking a lot lately about certain aspects of life. It's not a shiny or new concept, nor is it particularly exciting or flashy but matters of health, body, mind and soul have become a focus in the past few months. Wellbeing... and being, well. Allowing yourself to become the best version of you that you possibly can be. I don't think it's just me, I feel like there's something in the air, as though a lot of us are starting to be more mindful of the kind of lifestyle we lead and its effects on ourselves. While once upon a time I was consumed with living life to the full, having a good time and to hell with the consequences, I suppose I've just grown up. It's not that I don't want to have a good time anymore, its just that my definition of a good time has changed slightly.

And the past few years of raising babies have taken their toll. Interrupted sleep, exhaustion brought on from a hectic daily schedule and stressing about whether they are eating well enough is nothing unusual and all par for the course when parenting young children, but it doesn't really lend itself to actually thinking about taking good care of yourself. I actually found it hard to write this down, there is a lot of "I" and "my" in this blog post and it feels almost selfish to say it but I suppose I just took a backseat in my own life for a while. But now I'm starting to realise that I can't be the best person I want to be for my family unless I actually look out for and take better care of myself.

So a few months ago I decided to make some changes. Firstly in the way we all eat; instead of just concentrating all my attentions on what the kids consume. Our diet wasn't terrible by any means but I realised I wanted to make more meals from scratch, cutting out the processed wherever possible, eating simple, fresh foods, more wholegrains and less sugar. Also in looking after my body and mind. I have no desire to be a gym bunny or a hard core runner but I have always been drawn to yoga and after periods of doing it intermittently for years I've finally committed to making the time for one class every week and I love the way it makes me feel stronger and calms my mind. I've rediscovered my my put-on-hold passions of surfing and painting and discovered new ones like nurturing a garden and growing things. 

I now know what else is important to me, close family ties and friendships and making a comfortable home, a haven. One that reflects us and our lives and a place where my family and friends feel at peace and like they want to stay. Reading and writing. Being outdoors, experiencing the seasons. Nurturing a love of books, an imaginative mind and an appreciation or beauty, art and nature in my children. I feel like everything is just starting to add up, as though I'm finally figuring out who I am. A lot happened in my twenties; l was many different things and travelled a lot of paths but now I'm on the brink of my 30th year it's all slotting into place. I realised that almost all the posts I've written about here so far this year have detailed this journey of sorts, slowly reclaiming my self again and finding my way as a mother and as my own person too. I know I'm never going to have all the answers, but right now life feels good.

Image 1 //  Image 2- source unknown- via pinterest // Image 3

sunsets and things on my mind

When we moved here, it didn't cross my mind that living by the ocean would mean out of this world sunsets. And now it is darker every morning before we wake so I can witness them; sunrises too. A full spectrum of shades from deep purple, inky blues, to pale coral, dusky pink and intense fiery orange but no two are ever the same. All this is played out in the same little expanse of sky above our garden fence (in the morning) and across the street above the rooftops (at twilight). For the most part I've now stopped reaching for my phone and trying to capture them, partly because they never, ever look as good on a screen and also because as soon as you start snapping and considering composition and different angles, the perfect beauty of the moment is already lost. A sunset is for drinking in, for feeling glad to be alive.

If this all sounds incredibly gushing and twee then it's probably because for the past few months I've been re-reading the entire series of Anne of Green Gables books. It's an escape, my guilty pleasure at the end of the day which instantly transports me back to my girlhood days and long hours during the Summer holidays spent curled up in a quiet spot devouring pages upon pages of wholesome goodness. There's nothing like Anne's genuine delight in and observations of the beauty of nature and the world around her to make you really stop and take notice. It's a lesson in gladness if nothing else.

So I've been reading, and I suppose being busy with the business of enjoying my family and friends and everyday life. Sorry for the silence here but blogging about not blogging is just deathly dull and posting just for the sake of it even worse. My mind has also been busy thinking, mulling over dreams for the future and making plans. Especially savouring every second spent with my babies as it has hit me harder than ever that next year Lila will start primary school and before I know it they'll be 18 and waving goodbye to me as they embark off on their own life adventures. I feel like I've been saying this to everyone I know lately but I genuinely can't believe how quickly this year is flying by already. As does every year past the age of about 20 but this is just getting alarming.

Fighting the urge to panic as the days and weeks pass by at lightening speed, I'm borrowing some wise words from the irrepressible Anne, "I believe that the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or exciting or wonderful happens but just those that bring little pleasures following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string". It may only be children's literature but I think this beloved heroine just summed up the secret to happiness that so many spend a lifetime searching for.

things i want my children to know

My beautiful girls...

Never stop dreaming. If you allow yourself to dream you will find out what your heart truly desires, your passions in life and you can begin to carve your path. And whatever you dream of, it is all possible. If you long for it then do everything you can to get there and make it happen. We will do all we can to help you. For of course it's not only about the dreaming but the doing. Don't be afraid of failing, pick yourself up, learn from the experience and try again.

Read books; to escape, inspire and broaden your horizons. Travel, not only to find yourself but to find out about the world. Carry on learning and be curious. Talk to people, from all walks of life. Make a connection because everyone has a story and often people come into your life for a reason, whatever that may be.

Choose to wake up in the morning and have a good day. Don't get hung up on the small stuff, take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Know the power of positive thinking. Believe in yourself and your goals and try not to let what other people think get in the way. Trust your instincts. Stay true to yourself and be yourself and people will respect and love you for it.

Don't dwell on the past too much or wish away the present, even if it's a place you'd rather not be. There is something to be learnt and taken from even the most shadowy moments. And broken hearts do heal, eventually. Live in the moment. The simplest things bring the biggest joy and shared experiences are usually more valuable than material possessions so breathe and take it all in. Hold you family and true friends close to you. Be grateful. Smile often. Be kind and treat others as you want to be treated.

Most importantly, know that I love you. More than anything, always. Whatever happens, no matter the choices you make or how ever many miles away I am, if it all falls down around your ears, I will be here to pick up the pieces. Whatever you do, wherever you go I will be by your side and I believe in you.

Your Mama xxx

on the radar

I'm working my way through an endless pile of laundry, making frantic lists and packing in preparation for our holiday. We fly to South Africa on Saturday and there seems so much to be done before then. Travelling with kids (especially for a three week trip) just requires such an enormous amount of planning and stuff. We spoke to Curt's parents on Skype last night and there has been something of a heat wave in Durban the past few days so looks like we should be in for some sun. Maybe even in the UK too if I'm lucky :) It's exciting to dig out all my summer clothes again after being jeans and knitwear clad for the past few months of the Australian winter. I've got to get back to the grindstone but here are some things that have caught my eye over the past few days...

I've always been an advocate of the 'no regrets' school of thought, so I am seriously coveting one of these awesome posters by Sarah & Bendrix (pictured above) to adorn the walls of of new home. Avaliable here from their Etsy shop. Translation from French to English: No, I regret nothing.

This one below is awfully romantic too...

I can't get enough of this lady's effortless, laid back style of late. Love.

The work of Australian artist Belinda Fox is magical and mesmerising. If I was to start seriously investing in an art collection, I can't think of a better place to start. See more on her website.

on living

"I’m not telling you to make the world better, because I don’t think that progress is necessarily part of the package, I’m just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment. And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could tell you that the grave’s a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that’s what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it.”

-- Joan Didion,

in a commencement address at the University of California, Riverside, in 1975

                   

               

Images found via here, here and here.

being content

I really believe that happiness is all about mindset. Some of the happiest people I know don't have the most money, the biggest homes or the most desirable jobs. However, they know how to make their own fun and have a good time, they laugh easily, appreciate the simple things in life and value their family and close friendships. It's not rocket science, but an impromptu barbeque with a couple of packs of sausages, some fresh bread rolls, a bottle of wine and a few friends can be just as good - and often a lot more enjoyable- as an overpriced meal in a fancy restaurant.

I reckon that contentment is actually more important than happiness. Let's be honest, living our lives in a constant euphoric state is not exactly a realistic goal, but learning to appreciate what's around us and what we have is an awesome skill. It also sits well with living in the present and fully appreciating the moment, rather than always looking to the future- when times will be better, money will be more abundant and so on. This is something I've had to consciously train myself to do as I've always had tendencies towards 'the grass is always greener' syndrome.

I'm embracing going back to basics and enjoying home-made simple things. I don't want to have to rely on entertainment which costs a lot of money. This Summer there will be lots of time spent outdoors and creative projects for the home, getting crafty with Lila, enjoying time spent relaxing with friends and family. Now let's just hope the weather cooperates :)

mantra

10 weeks old

live simply

I'm inspired by this pretty illustration by dazeychic on etsy. Seems apt as I am trying to keep that sentiment at the forefront of my mind this year as it is turning out to be rather an expensive one for us...what with purchasing flights to the other side of the world, and a new family member on the way amongst other things. Things like our car costing us a staggering amount in the last couple of weeks due to everything on it/in it needing replacing at once. Bleurgh.

But after all it's true that some of the best things in life are the small things or even the free things. Who needs a new pair of shoes or a meal out in a fancy restaurant when you have the amazing smell of baking biscuits wafting from your oven, right! Or a vase of freshly picked flowers, or curling up in a corner with a good book, the perfect cup of coffee to start the day, or a tasty simple meal cooked with fresh ingredients or a long soak in a bath of fragrant oils. (One thing I am so looking forward to when I return for my sojourn in the UK- our apartment here in Auckland only has a shower!) I know it's all a bit twee but I am seeking comfort in all the small things right now and finding that its actually pretty good for the soul.

P.S... But if we were by any small chance to win the lottery- which is unlikely to happen seeing as we don't even play it, I'm not saying there wouldn't be a massive spending spree on the cards too :)

Other cute artwork from dazeychic that caught my eye...

thoughts of home

The green fields and red bricks will always be home to me. The fact I am returning in 9 weeks is a great feeling. Big thanks to my sister and her wedding for giving me a chance to come back for a while!

My thoughts are of home and what it means as I just finished reading a book I really enjoyed, particularly this extract below.

"David will return to Mosel years later, with his wife and children. I will show them the estate, and then he and I will walk the grounds at dusk and he will ask me why I never left. Home is the place where you've felt the most, I will tell him. And that can be any place. Or anyone. It doesn't matter how long you lived there. It's what you'll always want to come back to."

Excerpt from The Lost Garden by Helen Humphreys.

I love to travel and have lived in, experienced and enjoyed my fair share of places but this is always the one I look forward to returning to. Wherever I am, this is still always what I mean when I refer to home. Some of my happiest times and best memories have been created here. The only downside is that while I am here I will have to spend many days away from he who is my other home until he comes to join us for the wedding and the arrival of the new little one.

But I always carry both my homes in my heart, wherever they or I may be.

to Lila

life is good

This pretty much sums up life in New Zealand right now. Heading off to the beach for a swim when the bambina wakes up from her afternoon nap. Summer days make me happy :)

Found here

wise words...

Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Appreciate your friends.
Continue to learn.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.

Mary Anne Radmacher.

risks

This poem below has stayed with me for many years since I first heard it when a teacher read it out in an assembly at high school. Whenever I'm unsure of something or have faced a big life decision I always find myself coming back to it, so it has definitely impacted on my life. And no regrets so far! I hope you will find it as inspiring as I do.

Risks

(author unknown)

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your dreams, ideas before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave: they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is truly free.

All images are by Susannah Conway, check out her etsy shop unravelling to see more lovely pictures and purchase prints.

advice for life

I heard a song on the radio the other day which took me right back, back to the year that I finished high school infact. It was a big hit at the time but it was interesting to hear it again now, 10 years later and recall just how true and apt the words are- though it's fair to say I probably have more appreciation of them now. I thought I'd share the essay that the song (by Baz Luhrman) was taken from.

All images are by Celeste Photography on Flickr.

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)
by Mary Schmich- First published in the Chicago Tribune

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

SING.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

FLOSS.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

STRETCH.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

DANCE. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

TRAVEL.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

words of wisdom: part 2

A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.
- Albert Camus



Image credits- Top image by Max Wagner. Bottom image- I have no reference as to the source- slap on the wrists for me! If anyone knows its origin please let me know so I can credit it.

P.S Arrived home from my hen-do holiday yesterday, very happy, rested (from the days spent on the beach) and also exhausted (from the nights spent dancing) but loved and relished every second of it. Big love and thanks to my 5 girls that came along. Will share some pictures later this week.

words of wisdom: part 1

...image photographed by me...

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. - Cecil Beaton


...image by the incredible photographer Max Wagner...